Maybe it’s Just Me…
But sometimes what you plan to do is not what you are able to do…
I had plans on writing a few more posts to finish out my little experiment of this blog.
However, I have not been feeling too well lately and I have been in the process of getting tests done to see what is up. I make no announcements yet, just that growing old is a fact of life. I spent many years abusing this body that God gave me by not taking care of myself. Punishing myself for the failures in my life.
With that going on and my attempt to finish my MBA, I decided to end my blog for awhile until I could properly do it justice.
But…humor me for a few days longer and I will post and say what I wanted to say…then I will close down the site.
As I have posted before, I am a little bit jaded when it comes to writing about things for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. The blogging world is filled with meaningless dribble that is only written to garnish a response. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when someone comments on a topic that I wrote about, or comment about that they too can relate to some story I told. But that is not the reason upon why I write.
I don’t write because I think I can write.
I have never said I could write well…only that I loved to write.
I have been asked many times what is up with my website being called “thelegacybuilder”. Most often I would not reply. But in the act of full disclosure…I chose the name the “Legacy Builder” because I wanted to build a historical legacy for my children and future grandchildren to read and know who I was.
I write for my kids and a vain attempt to leave something that might remind them that I was here.
There was once a time… a long time ago… when I was a man of integrity and honor. I felt I was doing what God had planned for me to do. I spent 12 years of my life (from 23 to 35) as a Christian High School principal.
Due to a failed marriage and choices I made, I lost the ability to fulfill what God had originally intended for me to do.
My children do not know their father as a man that served God in full time service. They really don’t remember that.
They know I remarried five years after my divorce and have tried to put some pieces of my life back together. In some areas of my life, I have never been more successful. I have a happy and strong marriage going on 10 years now. I have a wonderful job / career which I love.
In other areas, I still deal with the sting of unforgiveness and silent contempt. That, I’m afraid, will never change. Fifteen years later and people still act as if it happened yesterday. Even with all of that, what people do not know is the fact that… as hard and unforgiving that they have been on me….I have been harder on myself. I have not and could not forgive myself for what I allowed to happen in my life.
I have personally allowed myself to fail physically because “I deserved” what would come from that. No… it hasn’t been drugs or alcohol…but the results are just as devastating.
The bottom line is this…I have finally come to the point in my life that I have honestly come to terms with my failures. I have been in counsel with some men that I consider “men of God” and they have been most helpful. I am learning that Grace of God is intended for those who have failed…if no one failed there would be no reason for Grace.
No…I will never be able to make everything right that has gone wrong in my life. The scars and consequences will stay with me forever. But I can no longer beat myself up for that which I cannot change. I know that God has forgiven me. It’s time that I forgive myself. That is harder than you think.
My children know that I love my God, and that I love my wife and that I love them.
I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the mistakes and failures that I brought upon my life. I have come to the conclusion that compassion, understanding and forgiveness are far better than the legalism I was raised with.
I write because I know there is more to do.
I write because I know I have something left to give.
But then again…maybe it’s just me.
Please play this song… it may say it better than my attempts at words…