Sometimes you just can’t win.
Some well-meaning friends have taken a portion of their time recently to provide some insight into my writing. It’s not that I am not appreciative of the input. Like everyone else I like to be liked.
Some encouraged me to write the same way I have been writing for the past few years. Short illustrations of what God is doing in my life and trying to be an encourage people to live for Christ. They tell me to write for the sake of others who are facing similar struggles and goals for their life.
Others feel that I write too much about my relationship with Jesus Christ. Even a few asked me to spare them the gruesome details of the failures in my life. They say, “Don’t hang out your dirty laundry for all to see.” They tell me that it is self-serving and it shows that I have not truly moved on in life.
Honestly, I don’t feel that I’m doing that. But what do I know?
So, who do I listen to?
I see the casualties in the blogosphere. Dead, unfinished, incompleted blogs that were started with good intentions. People who get the idea that they want to start a blog and start writing. Some with the delusional idea that they even want to write a book. It starts with the premise that they believe they have something to say, something that will be a help and will be an encouragement to another person. It is done with all the vigor and excitement that they can muster. The ideas are just flying all over the place. They sit down and empty themselves into a post and when that first post is revised a 1,000 times they finally post it and in many examples it usually isn’t that bad.
Then the problem starts. It doesn’t take them long to realize that writing is hard. They spent so much emotion and personal information in that first post that they find,as they sit at the computer, they are staring at an empty page. If they are lucky, they may post a few more and then it happens. They quit.
As it does for the vast majority of those that start a blog it sits empty and eventually deleted because of inactivity. It is like the one-hit wonder of a rock band. They get one good song and they can’t seem to get past it and eventually the creativity is just a rehash of the original song. They all just start sounding the same.
If anything I struggle with that. I am open to the fact that my writings may be repetitious on some level. I have fallen in to the cycle of being torn between wanting to quit or being compelled to continue on. Then just about the time I am about to quit, I ask myself, “Have I caused others undue heartache and pain through my actions in this life?” Without a doubt! Am I pleased about that? Absolutely not! “Do I want to correct the pain I caused others in this life?” Of course! I have found that the only avenue I have to try to make these crooked paths I once walked straight again is to write.
There is no doubt that my failure in my life is something that is still not completely healed. The pain of it sits just under the scar that I carry on my heart. Sometimes the fog of life only lifts long enough to allow me to see the face of God, the Scriptures He left to be our lifeline or even the outstretched hands of family and friends. I am thankful for those times when I see Christ so clearly but does one’s heart or spirit ever become truly immune and insensitive to heartache? Immune in a sense but the pain still persists.
At times I am blinded by circumstances and need God’s healing hand lovingly applied to my scars that I carry. The evidence of a scar does not always show the true damage that was done in a person’s life. That scar we carry on our heart and in our life is only an indicator that the healing process has begun. It is no longer an open wound but is still a long way from being completely healed. I fear that some of the pain I carry will be with me until the Lord calls me home.
But this I know… in my heart, I know that for every scar I carry and the pain that sits just below the surface, I am reminded that it is just another opportunity to tell another story.
At this point in my life, I will listen to these promptings and I will continue to write!
So here I sit, baring my soul. Some will be blessed by my comments, encouraged to know that they are NOT alone. Others will be critical that I have been so honest and transparent. Some will stop reading because all I talk about is my relationship with Jesus Christ. For those that would stop reading because of my relationship with Jesus Christ I am honestly saddened. It is not my intent to cause offense.
Because only the sovereign God knows my heart, my struggles, my joys, my pain, my all.
He knows why I do what I do.
In the end, only God will be my judge and for now He wants me to “write on”.
And so I shall…