I try my hardest not to write until I get up in the morning.
Most often, I find myself waking up in a rush about 3:00 AM.
My thoughts rushing through me and just flooding my mind.
I want to jump up and put them sentence form. Inspiration on overload.
I fight the urge to get up and turn on my computer. I do what I can to force myself back to sleep. Work awaits in the morning and I have to get up in a few hours. I try to convince myself that I will remember the detail and will be able to write with the same feeling and perspective in the morning.
Much like the dreams we dream at night, we never quite remember them the same way in the morning. Those vivid dreams that seem so real in that moment of sleep, most times are not so vivid when you try to explain them to someone the next morning. It usually comes out as a bunch of blurry details that don’t flow together at all.
They sure do seem real and clear when we experience them right?
That is how these thoughts seem to me when they are so clear at 3:00 AM but seem empty and blurry when I am pressed to try to write them down in the morning.
Now to clarify… I honestly do not feel like I am a good writer. Regardless of when I respond to these moments of inspiration, my words lack the same impact of those I read by real writers. The thoughts that I have in these bursts of inspiration are not worthy of much more than making me feel able to express myself.
In that expression, I find a sense of being comfortable in my skin.
It comforts me. It doesn’t matter if they are good or not.
I write because it makes me feel productive.
I know that my grandmother loved to paint. While my family always was kind when she would paint something. It wasn’t until she passed away that her paintings took on a different appreciation. They are so valuable to me now.
I would love to see them survive for many years to come.
Are they great? Will they ever be hung in an art gallery? Absolutely not.
That really isn’t the point. These paintings express her inspiration and in some way made her feel productive and complete. They are a reflection of who she was.
Over the years, I have always said that I write to leave something for my grand kids to read on day.
While I convince myself that this is true on some level, the truth is I write for me.
I have been given a gift of being able to write and feel complete and productive as I express myself in words. It doesn’t matter if anyone likes them or not. They don’t have to be good in other people’s opinion. I do not need that affirmation to feel better about myself.
When I reflect over the past 9 years of writing this blog. I have found that I am not the same person I was from all those years ago. From my perspective, the bitterness that I so often directed at people who did not deserve it when I was younger, has been tempered by my ability to express myself in words. I express myself better in writing than in my spoken word.
I wasn’t planning to write anything today in this space but I find that my little writing corner on the internet gets quiet when I get away from the creation process and spiral into trying to be perfect. It’s a tiring game to think of things to write. I struggle with looking at the lives of other people who seem to have it all together and wishing I could be more like them.
So at 3:00 AM this morning, in a burst of inspiration, I sat down in front of my desktop. The message is for all who read this is to find a way to express yourself. Find a way to make your mark. Find a way to let people know you were here. Express yourself your own way.
Don’t stray from you. Don’t look to other people as if they are going to start your journey for you. Sit down and find someway to express yourself. You’ll find freedom you never thought was there. Do your thing. Use your keys to this life that God gave you. It’s your journey and it doesn’t belong to anyone else. No one but you will suffer if you never take the journey. Time is of the essence. The time is now. Don’t miss or grieve over the life you didn’t live.
If you are someone who creates things then make life about the creation. You can admire the creations of others but don’t waste your best hours of the day watching other people. Use your hours wisely. Do the work. Even if you only get 20 minutes in a given day to make something, make it happen.
We run around like maniacs claiming there isn’t enough time in the day. Complain over the most trivial things. We hurt ourselves with the curse of being “busy.”
We don’t see how much time we waste with scrolling, clicking and liking.
Maybe you get wrapped up in stuff that doesn’t matter. Maybe you have forgotten what you truly love. Time isn’t up though. You can still go back to yourself. You can start over. You can open doors to new things. You can have a new beginning. You can find the peace and freedom of expressing yourself and leaving a mark on this earth, for the good. You can leave something that people will remember forever. You can do this.
Life hasn’t called and asked you to come and turn in your keys yet.
Start while you still have the keys. Go.