tis the Season

Bah!!!!

Christmas is closing in on us.

Those of us who are Grinch’s are busy complaining about the traffic, the commercialism and Image result for Tis the seasonall the money spent on gifts.

As a person who has been a believer for most of his life this shouldn’t be a struggle… but it is.

How can a believer not be kind in this season?

I could blame it on the commercialism of Christmas.  We are constantly tempted to buy or charge what we think we need, all in the name of Christmas. We slave away for 11 months trying to pay off the Christmas debts because we can’t say “NO”.  Christmas is no longer about the Savior; it is about the savings for things we really don’t need. 

I could even blame it on Santa.

I could rant about the fact that people have lost the true meaning of what Christmas is all about. Christmas is not about the manger; it is about marketing and materialism. Image result for Peavey drum setChristmas is not about God, is about gifts and getting. The little drummer boy now has to take his no hassles credit card and charge a brand new Peavy drum system. Why? Because his little drum is not enough for the baby Jesus.

But in truth, none of those excuses are valid as to why I struggle during this season of celebration.

I am short-sighted when it comes to being the example of Christ is the season of celebrating His existence. My focus is on me and my situation. Not in ways of getting gifts.  In fact, I am not a fan of getting presents.  It’s awkward for me and I am always uncomfortable with the process. I am good giving presents but I hate to receive. 

I struggle during this season because I can overly focus on my time… my plans and my comfort.  I could live without the decorations and I just want to stay home. I am good with ordering my gifts for others through Amazon.

I acknowledge that as a Believer, I need to be active and show kindness in this time of season. To be intentional with a very simple thing- a kind word.

The easiest thing to do is be kind.

As Paul wrote to the Ephesians and said,

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

It means seeing others and speaking to their heart need: encouragement.

To be kind… looks like encouragement for the cashier as she frantically tries to check you out.  It’s being aware of those around you and taking a moment to lift them up with a simple, but kind word.  It’s about paying for the person behind you at McDonalds, letting someone in line ahead of you at the store, helping another with their bags, opening a door for a frazzled mom, sending a note of encouragement to someone you haven’t talked to in a while.

The list is endless, but it begins with these simple words from Jesus who gave us the formula for how to live in this season, in fact in every season, when he said,

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift (kindness) will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”

As I go into these last days, like everyone else, I try to reImage result for sad during christmasmember the many people for whom this is not a joyous time of the year. With themes of joyous parties, happy families and generous giving surrounding us, those who struggle with depression, estranged family and/or economic survival are often forgotten.  I don’t lift this up in order to compel feelings of guilt or to cast aspersions on folks who are living large during this time, but simply as a nod and a word to those who struggle with these times to say that you are loved.

  • You are loved by people who you might not expect.
  • You are loved by God.

And yes, I know that my words offered on a blog post will not heal your spirit, reconcile Image result for show kindnessfamilies or feed your body, but in this, I hope you know that there are many who show this love not only during the holidays or not only with words, but who are there for and with you when you need them.  I don’t know where the words and actions will come for you, but I believe there are those people for all of us: it might be your neighbor who has invited you to join them for a meal, or maybe it’s that stranger sitting at the table next to you at the cafe with whom you share a brief conversations or when it is really bad, it’s that suicide-hotline that you never would have imagined that you would ever need.

Scripture is filled with admonitions to love others, to care for the needy and show the love of Christ as we live our lives.

So, while I wish those who are struggling all of the joy, peace, hope and love that I can muster, my greatest hope is that you know deep in your soul that you are not alone.

The greatest witness you can offer to the world you walk in each day is kindness.

The kindness that invites others to smile, give someone an encouraged heart, maybe a new hope.

Make it your goal, for the rest of this year, to look for at least one person in your day to whom you can give a kind word.

You never know… you might discover an exciting new way to share the love of Christ in this crazy world we live in and after all… tis the season.

Merry Christmas to everyone… even to those of us that struggle through it.

 

The Sad Reality

The sad reality was made evident to me this week.  

I have been trying to collect all of the pictures, letters and anything else that I could find that belonged to my grandparents.  I know where most of these are in my house but I have few letters and pictures stuffed away in a few drawers.

I am shocked at the fact that all I have from them would not fill up an old shoe box. 

How do the lives of family members get reduced to a few pictures and a letter or two?

I look around my office and just about everything I see will be tossed aside at some point.  Either before I die or shortly thereafter, each of the collectibles that sit on my shelves that I held of value (because of the memory attached to it) will be bagged up and set out on the street to be collected with that weeks garbage.   

Pretty much… all of it will be whittled down to some pictures and maybe a letter or two.Image result for old Shoebox full of junk

When all is said and done everything important about us will fit in a small box.

It’s an amazing insight.  Our lives in a small box.  In it paperwork and personal effects of the sum of a life once lived.

It’s rather sad that we leave such a small footprint on the planet, but it’s true.  

Most of the things that will be kept by our children and grandchildren will fit into a small shoe box.

The rest is found in the hearts and memories of those who knew us.  

Our “Legacy” is one generation long, perhaps two at best and then our photos will be the evidence of a life once lived. Memories left in a box for others to discover. Memories fade in the next generation… the stories will blur and in time these too will fade into the past. One memory will last a generation maybe two. then we become a slot on our families genealogical tree. The date of our birth, the dash and then the date of our death.

Now I know this is a depressing post. But it is the truth.  It happens to all of us.

In light of this sad reality, I am glad God knows us.

God remembers us and celebrates our lives as we live with and for Him.  

Every name is remembered, every deed done for Him written down, every life important.

In this life, it may all fit in a small shoe box, but there… where God rules, every life, every name, every action and deed remembered and celebrated by a God who loves us.

Never forgotten.

Our Faith… On Ice

I’ve noticed that some who have walked with Christ, people who I know are Christians, have simply wandered off.

Sometimes done quietly. 

Sometimes done with loud, boisterous posts on social media.

Image result for walking awayAt the end of the day, they simply wandered away from things they once believed.  

Some are angry.  Some have an axe to grind.  Some have something to prove.

They want to shove their rejection of the faith, they once claimed they held, into everyone’s face.

So many excuses and self-justified reasons.     

Some aren’t angry, or even mad really. Some aren’t even discouraged.  

They have simply not seen the life of God in the community of faith and have lost interest.  

They hold to the thought that life is busy, work is hard, things are crazy, why waste time with church and church stuff when they get nothing from it?  Why invest time when no one really knows them or even cares?  They’d rather sleep in.

Yes… life is busy. Work is hard. And there is no doubt that things are crazy in this time of life.  But this is nothing new.  It has been this way since the beginning of time itself. 

When this millennial generation raises their collective heads from their smartphones and for the first time they really take a look at life, some don’t like what they see.

They see the ugly part of life. 

They see political chaos. 

They see the horror of war.

They see the senseless acts of terrorism.

They see people separated by social class and race.

The haves and the have-nots.

Yes… this world is ugly.  It has been this way since the beginning of time.  Read the history of the human race.  More importantly… read the Bible. 

All documented there… the ugliness of the human spirit.

This generation sees the reality of life and for some their first take is to reject the faith of their family and of past generations.

They believe that the church is to blame.

Surely their parents got it wrong.

They quickly head in other directions.

One direction is they dig deeper into their social media outlets and escape the realities of life.  They become naïve to this world and have no interest in dealing with this reality they see.

Now there are many “escapes” that can be found in social media. We live iImage result for Social Median a world that people have the most information at their fingertips but fail to learn and retreat to a fantasy world. Not in all cases, but I am sure that many would rather escape into the fantasy world that doesn’t exist rather than understanding their responsibility to reach a lost and dying world for Jesus Christ.

I wonder the impact on the world if they used this same passion into reaching others for Christ.

I think, in these days of craziness, the biggest enemy of the church is apathy.

Apathy is a slow chilling of our faith and interest that leaves us unfeeling and uncaring about the most important thing in life – a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  

Apathy kills the passion for the truths of Jesus Christ.  It causes us to doubt.  It causes us to question His existence. If you think that Jesus Christ wasn’t born of a virgin, if He wasn’t the Son of God, if He could not pay the price for sin and without a real belief in what He did for us on the Cross of Calvary, then why should we keep going? Why should we continue to be part of something that does nothing for us?

This is apathy.  Our faith… on ice.

Apathy kills our faith.  We get cold to things of God. It’s easy to wander, to become apathetic, to grow cold.  It’s a challenge to stay near the flames, to seek out community even when you don’t feel like it.  It’s important because the greatest weakness in our life is not outright sin… it’s apathy.

You need to know this can happen to all of us!  We all can become cold to the truth of Scripture.

The flames of our faith are something we must protect.  Your faith should not be dependent on what you see.  It is better to believe without seeing, that is why it is called FAITH.

The direction that some take, is for many to question everything about their faith. They assume that because they don’t like the world they see that the church has failed and the church belief system is wrong.

The convince themselves that the Bible is wrong or at best the Bible is allegorical.  Meaning that Bible is simply symbolic, figurative and metaphorical.  It is at best a representation of moral truths. Surly not to be taken as literal truth and that many of the stories we read in the Bible are to be taken in as allegorical.  Any truth in Scripture has to be “proven” by the scientific method. They hold that belief isn’t dependent on faith. It is based upon if it can be proven by science. I have had interesting conversations in discussing these issues, it has caused me to deepen my faith.

I still am bound by the fact that I don’t have to know everything about “how” something happened in the Bible. I am called to have “faith” to simply believe what God has said.  I cannot pick and choose what I believe in Scripture.  It is either all true or it is not. I am of the personal belief that if you choose to “not” believe something happened the way it says it did in the Bible, it becomes a slippery slope to unbelief in the whole truth of Scripture.

I have close friends that can be found in all of these directions.  I am not here to take unfair shots at them.  I have had constructive conversations with them. They know my beliefs and I will listen to hear their perspective and I will not argue with them. I don’t have to agree with them and in turn, they don’t have to agree with me.

In case you are wondering,  I clearly post my Statement of Faith on this website.  These are my truly held beliefs.

We all need to find the journey to truth.

Some journeys take a long time. Some never make it back.

 

The Well is Dry

I have always tried to write from my heart, my mind and my expImage result for welleriences in life.  

That is the well that feeds the things I write. It is the source from which I have found wonderful fulfillment.

I’m discovering, for whatever reason, my well is dry.

Some call it writer’s block but I realize that I have nothing to say right now.

The world around me continues to swirl, but words escape me.

I’ll return when I find more words and the well isn’t dry.

Thank You 2016

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/3l7Po_YQdgunk0Q5AramV4uODkuPIx1cEfayjb3O9XagOniJe25KFgBW-GNDivl9oA=h310

Here I sit. 

Still for a moment. 

It’s quiet after a busy day of work and now it’s Thanksgiving Day.

 

But only for a moment it’s still.

In the quiet, I’m thinking about all the things I can give thanks for.

God has been and is so good.

He’s always good.

We live in the shadows of His goodness,

even when we can’t see it.

 

It’s because of a good God we are here

and are able to say, “Thank You!”

 

It’s because of a good God we have family to share

this time of year.

 

Thank you, God, for being so good to us.

You are kind and gracious even when we deserve none of it.

 

Thank you.

 

None of this is new or inspirational,

but it’s important to say it,

so that we realize that we live

by the mercy, grace and kindness of a good, good God.

 

And for that I have only one thing to say…

 

Thank You.

Image result for Thank you 2016

Only Time Will Tell

Only time will tell…

I hesitate to write this.

In truth, I am hesitant to write much of anything lately.  I have been drained of motivation and my desire to write is probably at an all-time low. 

Image result for Only Time will TellFor the past few months, I had dedicated myself to finishing a project that I have always wanted to do.  I have posted a few short excerpts from that project on this site.  They are just shorter versions of the stories I have written about growing up in Oak Harbor, Ohio. I have had some wonderful comments and encouragement from those that have taken the time to read what I have posted. I struggle accepting them because are they just being nice or do they really mean them? Who knows? 

Only time will tell…

I have most of it completed but I can’t seem to find the motivation to sit behind the keyboard and finish the remaining chapters. I am not sure it is just discouragement or if it is fear.  Discouragement because I am not sure it is worth reading.  I am not a trained writer. I have always said I love to write but I have never thought I was good at it. There is a bigger part of my thinking that tells me to have some fear of it.  Fear because someone may actually read it. 

I think I understand how musicians feel when people listen to their music for the first time. I am sure they feel exposed and vulnerable for putting their “work” for everyone to critique and judge.  That is how I feel.  I put my thoughts down and put them out for all to see and I am fearful of the critique.  Fearful of the judgement. It is why for years I never shared my love for writing.  It is why I buried dozens of handwritten notebooks of my writings. 

Never ever to be found again.  They were the best writings I have ever put to paper.

Can I handle the discouragement?  Can I handle the fear? Will I ever get the motivation to finish this project? Will anyone ever read it?

Only time will tell…

I need to find a way to get myself back on track to write for me.  I know that the reality of my project ever becoming something that other people would want to read is a pipe dream.  So I will try refocus on it simply being a file tucked away on a computer thatImage result for only time will tell will be tossed away when the computer crashes or becomes obsolete. These things happen to those things that are temporary and have no eternal significance.

Only time will tell…

As I grow older, I am aware of the fact that I am drawn to life between two worlds. 

One world of the temporary and one of the eternal.

A world of the temporal, the temporary, a world ruled by time.  A world with an end, a “due date,”  a life controlled by time and lived in moments.

And, I also live in a world where I, at times, see the edge of eternity. It’s as if in these moments of time I sense it.  In God… I am given life.  He lives in me and He gives me opportunity to enjoy each moment of life.  I am keenly aware that I am growing older and most of my life is behind me. 

I have the awareness, in light of eternity, things of temporary importance have no real value.

This includes my writings.

And yet, as I live between these two worlds, with one foot in time and the other in eternity,  I begin to understand a life of eternity with God. 

It surges through my mind, giving me a new vision, a new desire, and a different purpose.

More and more, as I think about how I want to spend the rest of my “temporal” moments, I’m drawn into eternity… drawn by the awareness of God and eternity. 

And more than ever I want the edge of eternity to be my constant reality.

Will I ever finish the project?  Will it ever be read by anyone?

Only time will tell.

 

 

Some Calls Change Your Life Forever

They say grief comes in waves.

That’s a lie.

What I have experienced since that cold brisk November day in 1970 are not waves of grief. 

To be honest, instead of feeling waves of grief that come every now and then, I personally have felt grief every single day. No waves, just one consistent shade of grey that washes over me.

It is something that is part of me.

It isn’t something that I chose to have in my life and I work hard at hiding it, but it is always there.  It is as close to me as breathing.  It has been my life-lImage result for griefong companion and it is as normal in my life as putting my clothes on in the morning.  To be honest, I don’t even think about it that much anymore.  In order to go about my day, I have to put clothes on. I can never consider another option without striking fear and disgust from those who would see me naked and exposed.  That is what grief is like to me.  Like the clothes I have to wear, it is something that I put on every day.  I don’t have a choice.  I wish I could but I can’t wash it off in the shower.  I push it down as far as I can, but it’s always lurking and hiding somewhere just under the surface.  It is a grey filter that clouds my world and I have carried this dark passenger with me since I was nine.

What blindsides me is not grief.

It’s guilt.

I have never shared this with anyone. It is something that I have struggled with since that horrible day. Guilt comes to me in these huge sucker-punch hits that I never see coming. They hit me so hard that it rams into my very soul. It feels as if someone has hit you so hard in the stomach that it sucks out everything you have – your heart, your Image result for guiltoxygen, your whole being. It hits me out of nowhere.  I cannot predict when or where it will show up.  I cannot control it.  The pangs of guilt hit me when I am doing some of the most mundane, common things in life.  Like when they hit when I am driving in my car to work, or when I am listening to music or when I am working in my garage. They hit me when I walk into a room and see the pictures of my wife, my children and grandchildren hanging on the wall.

There have been times when they have hit me when I shop at the grocery store.  Of course, no one else knows it.  I remain still and stoic.  I smile at the person I pass on the same aisle and I continue to fill my cart with milk and bread.  But it’s there, spasms of guilt, flooding my heart and soul. A sucker-punch of the worst kind. No one is the wiser and I carry on with life.  Never knowing when I will run into it next.

I sort of live in fear of that.

If you considered my world in 1970, you would have found that other than the 6:30 news bringing the horrors of the Vietnam War, the Manson Murders, the Kent State shootings and the occasional blurb about the civil unrest on the college campuses across America into our living room every night, I had always been protected from the outside world. The bad news that was projected on our black and white television was often tempered by shows like Gilligan’s Island, Mayberry RFD and the Beverly Hillbillies.  This was long before reality TV.  Almost all the programs on our television at the time were based upon some type of non-reality life. The premise of a hillbilly living in Hollywood with a cement pond, or the plausible reality of a group of people, on a three-hour tour, to be forever stranded on a deserted island was all the reality we needed.

In early October 1970, I had some medical issues that required surgery.  I was being admitted into Magruder Hospital in Port Clinton, Ohio.  I was going to have surgery and I would be absent for two-weeks from Mrs. Gulau’s classroom at R.C. Water’s Elementary School.

Mrs. Gulau was my 4th grade teacher.  While there is no doubt that she was a wonderful Image result for R.C. Waters Elementary Schoolteacher, she seemed ancient to me. She seemed out of touch even by Oak Harbor standards. Mrs. Gulau was old school before old school was a thing.  She was a strict teacher. She allowed no excuses for missing homework assignments and ran her classroom like a well-oiled machine.  No deviation from the schedule was permitted.  I struggled with her being my teacher and I will admit it wasn’t her fault. 

It was mine.       

At the young age of nine, I had figured out that the best way to get through school was to not make waves.  At all costs, I would try to not to get noticed and for the love of all things pure and holy, I never raised my hand to answer a question.  I was always smarter than I ever let on, but I wasn’t willing to try to talk in front of people for fear of my stuttering and making myself look foolish in front of people. I was content to fade into the background. I was easy to not remember. I am sure if you asked a few of my classmates from that school year, they would struggle to ever remember me.

Just someone they used to know.

After a few days in the hospital, I was discharged.  I was home bound for a week before I was permitted to go back to school.  After I started going back to class, Mrs. Gulau had made arraignments with my mother to have me stay after school for a few weeks to catch up on my studies.  I would stay until 3:45 PM, about an hour after school let out for the rest of the students.

Then November 5th 1970 happened.

It was a cool day, about 45 degrees and a little windy as I remember it.  I had a pretty good day at school and I was finally feeling like I was getting back into the routine of Mrs. Gulau’s classroom.  The school day ended and I completed my hour of tutoring with my teacher.  I was now waiting by the west side door, that the teachers used. Normally, I always came in and left through the front door of the school.  I always rode the bus that would take me and the kids from my neighborhood to the High School on Church Street.  From there, we would meander the two blocks or so to get home in time to watch Gilligan’s Island that came on at 4:00 PM every day after school.  

But the last few days were different. There wasn’t a late bus to take me home and I was too young to walk all that way back home before it got dark at 5:30 PM. So I stood there in silence as Mrs. GImage result for Black Corvairulau looked impatiently out the door to see if my ride was there yet.  My cousin, Larry was picking me up and he obviously was running a little late. 

I always heard Larry’s car before I could ever see it.  Not because his car ran bad or had a loud exhaust system, but rather Larry always played his music loud. I mean really loud. As predicted, Larry’s music was blaring from his car as he pulled up to the side door to pick me up. 

Larry turned down the music and the passenger side door flew open as he stopped the car.  I mumbled, “Goodbye,” to Mrs. Gulau and I saw the look on her face as she pushed the school door open as I started out to get into the car.  I wasn’t sure if it was because of the loud music or because he was late to pick me up. Either way, it was clearly a look of displeasure that she was giving. 

Larry said, “What’s her problem?” as I slid into the front passenger seat of his Chevy Corvair. I responded, “I have no idea.” and then I hear my brother Bobby and his best friend, Buster laughing from the back seat.  They were always laughing when they were together. I never really knew what they laughed about all the time but here they were laughing about something and they were the only ones that knew why.  

I slam the car door closed and Larry cranks the music even louder than before just to see if he can get another reaction from the teacher.  She disappears into the darkened hallway, shaking her head with displeasure, and we pull out onto Ottawa Street to head back to our home on Walnut Street.

I settle into my seat and I notice that my brother had his dog with him. 

“What are you guys doing?” I ask.

“Wouldn’t you like to know!!” my brother said in sarcasm, as only brothers can.  It was as if he knew I was going to ask that question.  Buster and Bobby mumble something to each other and they burst out laughing again.

Larry, seeing that my feelings were going to get hurt by the banter that happens organically between brothers, put his cigarette down and said, “I‘m dropping them off so they can check their traps on Mylander’s farm.”

“Can I go with you?” I asked inquisitively. 

“Dude, your mom told me to bring you straight home. You’re going to have to ask her.  But you’re going to have to ask fast because I have to get to work soon.” Larry explained.

I nodded in silence and I distinctly remember the song, Lola by the Kinks was blaring on the radio and as my brother and Buster were laughing and playing with the dog in the backseat.  I was right where I loved to be.  I always rode around town with Larry whenever I could. I loved it because Larry would play the music really loud and he would tell me stuff about why this song was great and why he felt that song wasn’t good. I always felt accepted and thought he enjoyed having me around.

Besides the occasional outburst of laughter that came from my brother and Buster from the back seat, we road back to our house in silence.  Only the sounds of the Kink’s reverberating throughout the car.

We pull into the driveway and I see my mom waiting by the kitchen screen door.  She obviously was wondering where we were because we were getting back a little later than normal.  Larry turned down the radio and as the car comes to a stop.  I push the car door open and step up on the seat of the car and pull myself up to look over the roof.

“Hey Ma, can I ride with Larry to drop Bobby off?” I asked.   

“No, Larry is running late and dinner will be ready soon” she responded.

“Come on Ma! Larry said he would drop me back off” I yelled.

“I said NO!!” she pushed back. “Come in the house so Larry can get to work.”

I started to respond but the back rest of the car seat flew forward and my brother started to climb out from the back seat.  As he pushes me away from the car he says, “Come on Larry, let’s go before it gets too dark”.

I am so angry that my mom would not let me go. I had been working so hard after school to get caught up on my schoolwork, that I could not believe that she wouldn’t let me do this one thing. I mean, I hadn’t been able to ride around with Larry for a long time and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to me. I trudged over to the front door and my mom opened the door a little wider to let me in.  I stormed past her, bumping her with my shoulder.  I hit her hard enough that I was certain that she was going to grab my arm and make me settle down, but she didn’t.

I stormed through the kitchen and down the hallway to the living room.  All the while, mumbling under my breath about how unfair it was and how angry I was at my mom for not letting me go with them.

My sister, Linda was already in the living room watching TV and anImage result for Gilligan's Island episode of Gilligan’s Island had already started.  I hear the radio from Larry’s car as he pulled out of the driveway and headed down to Benton Street.  I sat myself down angrily on the couch and pulled the curtain back and watched that black Corvair disappear on its way down the street. I turned around and started to watch the TV.

 It seemed like only a few seconds before I started to hear the shrill whine of the sirens. We lived a few blocks from the main siren in town and for some reason it seemed unusually loud and never-ending.

My mom walks in to the living room and doesn’t say a word, but just the look on her face tells me that something is wrong. No words are spoken and she makes her way down the hall and back into the kitchen.  It is then the kitchen door busts open and I hear unfamiliar voices coming from the kitchen and in an instant, there is confusion in our house.  I hear a voice above the noise, “There has been an accident and they think it’s the Lee boys!!”

I hear my mom talking but I can’t make out what she is saying and my sister and I are left alone in the living room just staring at each other trying to process the chaos that has just forced its way into our lives.

Next thing I know, Linda and I are shuttled upstairs into my parents’ bedroom and we were told that our mom was going to check on my brother.  Nothing else was said to us and the door was closed to separate us from the rest of the house. We sat for hours, in silence, on the edge of my parent’s bed, knowing that something bad happened but we did not know what it was. We never considered that death was a possibility. Our family had only dealt with the death of a great-grandmother and none of us had ever considered that it would ever touch our family.

With my sister and I quietly sequestered upstairs in my parent’s bedroom. There wasn’t much need to check in on us. We could hear the commotion downstairs.  The loudness, the overlapping voices, the sudden periods of extreme quietness. The constant opening and closing of our back door. 

My brother, Bobby and my grandfather.

Finally, I had enough and I snuck out of my parent’s bedroom. I made my way quietly down the wooden steps of our home.  The landing of the stairwell opened up into our living room and it was filled with people.  People that I am sure were familiar to me but as I recollect they all seemed faceless, except for their eyes.  It seemed to me that people looked through me as if I did not exist.   People who did not know what to say or simply ignored the traumatized nine-year-old that was walking in their midst. I made my way down the dark hallway towards our kitchen.

As I got to the doorway that opens up into our kitchen, I heard my mom talking on the phone.

It was at that moment that I would learn the truth. “I need to get a message to Robert Lee” my mom pleaded.  “I need him to call home as soon as possible because his son was killed today in a car accident.”  

Some calls change your life forever.

Waves of grief? No.

Guilt. Absolutely.

As an adult, I get the reasons why things happened the way they did that day.  No one did anything intentional.  Everyone was in shock. No one ever spoke to me about it. In fairness, I never spoke a word about it either. No one sat down with me and helped me come to terms that it was just an accident. No one ever saw the guilt that was heaped onto my shoulders. No one saw that there was a nine-year-old boy who to this very day carries the weight for what happened.

Why did I have surgery that October?  Why couldn’t it have waited until Christmas break?  Why did I have to stay after school?  Why did I ask to go with them in the first place?  Why did I ask my mom in the first place?  Surely my delay caused this to happen.  Why didn’t I protest more about not being able to go with Larry?  Maybe I should have taken more time and delayed them.  The train would have passed before they got to the railroad crossing. Thirty seconds either way and the results would have been so different.

Somewhere deep inside of me is that young boy and he will never come to terms with the results of that day.  The same could be said for my mom, my brother and sister too.  I am sure that they have their own grief and have to deal with the guilt that comes from these kinds of tragedies.

We have never discussed this as a family.

Life has to be lived and you have to move forward.

However, it doesn’t lessen the pain of guilt that I experience.  I feel guilt because I have been able to live a long life.  I have been able to experience the wonderful things that this life has to offer.  My brother and my cousin Larry never got to experience the joy of bringing a child into this world.  They didn’t get to travel around the world or shake the hands of two US Presidents, like I did. They will never hear the joyous sound of a grandchild yelling, “Grandpa!!!” in excitement when you walk into a room and they see you.

After 46 years, the pangs of guilt don’t come as often, but they still lurk in the dark places and appear at the most unexpected times.  

I have been blessed by a mother who chose not to let me go on that fateful day.  I will continue to live life to the fullest.

It is what Bobby and Larry would have wanted me to do.

Because some calls change your life forever.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes Life Gets In The Way

Image result for When life gets in the way

I have had some people ask me what is going on with my writing. 

I know I haven’t posted as much lately. I am also aware that blogs have lost their following for the most part.  But there are still a few people that continue to read my posts. 

So for those who read, I will continue to write. 

I have so much stored up to post here, but I am in the midst of a project.

I haven’t stopped writing. I write more now than ever. 

I have taken a different path in my writing for the past few months. 

I won’t give much detail other than to say that it is something that I didn’t see coming and I never expected to be writing so much about it.

Sometimes life throws us that curve ball and gets in the way of what we think we want. Change happens in the blink of an eye and we have to be open to what doors may open for us.  

I am hoping that this is all for the best for me to make this change in my writing. 

I didn’t actually have any plans or dreams to do what I am doing. The dissatisfaction and restlessness, that I felt was a result of me not doing what I wanted to do in my heart.

I would say, that life sometimes got in my way and has kept me from finding my true North, as it applies to my writing.

I have deadline and I am on a mission. 

I will share more when I can and is appropriate to do so.

I’m not there yet. 

But I am on my way.

Once I reach the destination and finish the task.

I’ll be back.

I Never Had A Chance

When I was younger, when asked, I would answer enthusiastically and always with pride.

I would always give a clear picture of where my hometown was.  

As I got older and after I moved away, I began to notice that nearly every time I told people where I was from, I delivered the words, “Oak Harbor, Ohio” as though it were an apology for something I did wrong. 

I would wait for that familiar blank stare.  I would then say … “Oak Harbor is in Northwest, Ohio… close to Cedar Point” and suddenly I would see their eyes light up with recognition. 

When you grow up in the tight confines of small town America, everything outside the boundaries of your hometown is kind of a blur. You can only imagine what everyday life is like in faraway cities.  Those places outside of the town limit signs could be just as much a figment of your imagination as anything else you’ve ever dreamed.  No matter how many pictures you’ve seen.  No matter how many times people would come back with stories of life beyond your reality, it just never really seemed to convince me. 

To me, those places were as much a fantasy and as far away as the land of Oz. 

As a child and even into your teens, you know your hometown intimately, and it knows you. It seemed that no matter where you went, you were always running into something that reminded you of how much you’ve already done there.  Every day it would wrap around you like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night until you felt you knew it as intimately as you did the layout of your own bedroom. You could walk around it with your eyes closed and never be surprised by a single thing.

When I got my driver’s license when I turned 16, it was the first time I felt like I was part of the world and not bound by the unforgiving signs of our town limits.

I felt untethered, independent and unrestricted.

It makes me grin when I think about it now, because I was still bound by the town limit signs.  I just changed my mode of transportation.  I went from a 10-speed bicycle to a Ford Pinto. Which really only meant I could drive the loop around town a little faster. 

Not much faster, mind you, but just enough to make me feel free.  I would drive my car in the same continuous, languorous, tedious, life sucking regular loop around town. 

A typical summer night would be as follows: I would pull out of my driveway on Locust StreeImage result for Gulf logot and drive south to the stoplight by Denny’s Gulf Station.  Make a left turn onto Water Street and drive real slow to see if any of my friends were at Van Atta’s Dairy Queen. If no one was there, I would continue down the street and turn left onto Finke Road and drive through Veteran’s Park to see if there were any softball or baseball games going on.  An extra bonus was if there were any girls playing tennis on the courts next to the road.

In today’s world, I would be handcuffed, interrogated and probably body-searched over why I was sitting in a car, at the park, watching the games from the front seat of my car.  

But not back then.  

I can’t tell you how many times I sat there parked in my car. Watching the games from the front seat, trying to look and be cool. Wanting to talk to the cute girls playing tennis or to the other girls that were just walking around the park trying to look as cool as I was trying to be.  I sat there trying to get enough nerve to start conversations to girls whose names I knew and went to school with since kindergarten. 

I could never pull the trigger. 

I would just swallow my confidence and promise myself that tomorrow night would be different.  “I will do it for sure tomorrow” I would say to myself, as the music blared from FM 104.7 on my stereo.  I would sit there alone, hoping that the station would at Image result for FM 104.7 toledoleast play, “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner or “Do You Feel Like We Do” by Peter Frampton when those girls would walk by so I could turn it up even louder and that they would hear that I was cool.  

Thinking about it now… it probably was just as creepy as it is today for someone to sit in the car like that I just never considered it when I was doing it.

It never dawned on me at the time, but when I would pull up in my dark blue rusted out Pinto, I was pulling next to the never-ending sea of Camaro’s or Trans Am’s that always seemed to be owned by every “cool kid” in Oak Harbor.

Eventually, I would grow tired of just sitting there in my car with the music blaring from my radio. I would start to pull out of my parking spot to make another loop around town.

Maybe something was going on?  Maybe something changed since my last trip around town?

Heading down Main Street towards Locust Street, I’d crank the stereo system a lttle louder, knowing all the while that it cost more than the car I was driving.

I was lying to myself.  I would tell myself that tomorrow night would be different.

But deep down, I knew.

I never had a chance.

Friday Night Lights

I just experienced the Friday Night Lights of Oak Harbor football.

I haven’t been to an Oak Harbor game in over 20 years. 

I wonder what had changed?  I wonder if it was like I remembered it? 

There was a time, that Oak Harbor felt Friday Night football was the center of their existence. The starting players would have signs img_3028with their names in their front yards.  The players spent the whole day wearing their jersey around school and counting down the periods until school was finally over so they could focus strictly on the game.

The players knew that growing up in Oak Harbor meant they were born and raised for those Friday night lights. Seemed like every kid would dream of the day when they would play under those lights.

Players didn’t take anything for granted because they knew the history of what teams and players had done for Oak Harbor in the past and the players didn’t want to let the town down! All players who ever put on that Rocket green helmet knew who they were playing for: their teammates, the school, the town, and all former Rockets that ever wore the uniform.

The cheerleaders decorated the players lockers, paying close attention and doing a little more for the senior football players. There were pep rallies and booster clubs and cross-county rivalries.

A lot can change in 20 years.

I pull into the parking lot and slowly get out of my car.  There is something that is always uncomfortable about walking into a football game by yourself.  It’s like there is an unwritten expectation that you go to the game with someone else.  

I am alone and I feel self-conscious.

It’s October. There should be a chill in the air but there isn’t.  I expected the school colors of Christmas Red and Christmas Green to be draped all through the stadium and everyone standing shoulder-to-shoulder, like I remembered the games in my memory.

I hear the band playing.  The band starts to play the Oak Harbor “fight song” and img_3029suddenly I am adrift in nostalgic familiar territory.  I stop and listen and I am surprised that words come oddly back to mind easily…

“We’re loyal to you OH High…”

I watch the band march off the field to same drum cadence that has been the signature of the band for as long as I can remember.

“O-H-H-S… O-H-H-S… Rockets!!!”

I make my way along the front of the stands.  My brother and sister are somewhere in the crowd.  They are here for their class reunions.  For my brother, his 45th.  My sister she is back in town for her 40th reunion.  Now my brother has only missed probably 7 or 8 games of Rocket football since the day he graduated all those years ago.  He is walking history book of knowledge.  He knows and remembers all of the players, the teams and their stat history. For my sister, this may be the first football game she has been to since she walked off the field on her last game as a cheerleader her senior year.

I find them with their respective classes in their designated seating so that they can sit together and talk about old times and watch the game together.  I am keenly aware that I don’t belong to either of these classes.  But I wedge myself into a seat among them and suddenly I am an imposter. It feels like everyone’s staring at me.  Each alumni from the class of 1971 and 1976 trying to figure out who I am. 

A face they don’t remember.

My sister reminds a few people who I am sitting with, that the person who has crashed their party was her “little brother” and for some, a vague sense of recollection comes to mind.  I am sure they found some relief in knowing that I wasn’t someone in their class that they totally did not remember.  Image result for stadium lights

The game has already started, but I can’t follow what’s happening on the field.  The sun has long set, but the lights are so powerful that it looks like the type of daylight I often experience in dreams.

Surreal. Metallic. Unforgiving. 

Friday Night Lights.

I am sitting in the midst of a group of people who are themselves trying to reconcile their memories of the past to the reality that is surrounding them.

I am no different.

My mind starts to drift off… suddenly it is 1973.

It was the first day of football practice – I was late.  

I began to panic. 

Maybe I’d come on the wrong day! Maybe I’d come to the wrong place!  Every time I would open a door, there was another hallway.   I couldn’t find the coaches – I couldn’t find any of the other players. 

Image result for Rocky RIdge School Rocky Ridge Ohio
Rocky Ridge School – Rocky Ridge, Ohio

And that’s when it hit me,  this was Jr. High School.  The transition from elementary school to Jr High was a BIG deal to me.

And I… was completely…  and utterly… alone… and on my own.

It was 1973.  

It was a crazy time. Nixon and the Watergate scandal were the headlines and people were on the move… asking new questions… looking for answers.

People were breaking in new ground and wanting a change.

Seemed like everyone I knew was searching for a new identity. Including me.

That September, I entered Rocky Ridge Junior High.   I was looking forward to new adventures.  I wanted to start my 7th grade year with a bang. 

After my summer baseball season ended on a sour note and I was clearly given the sign from the baseball gods above that my dreams of being a baseball player were now dashed upon the rocks of reality. I was looking for new opportunities. I wanted to play sports, but not just any sport but the sport of football to be exact.

I had always idolized the high school football team.  I would always think about what it would be like to play in front of my friends and family.  Playing on Friday nights, in the glow of the bright lights that would spotlight hometown heroes and legends.

I spent many Friday nights watching the game from the railroad tracks that ran along the west side of the field. 

I would wait patiently until halftime and then they would close up the ticket booth and we were free to enter into the game.  For me, Oak Harbor’s football stadium at the corner of Church and Walnut will always be considered hallowed ground and it’s the players and teams that made it special.

The Jr. High football team changed at the high school on Church Street and after running down every hall of the school, I finally found the locker room and went in.

To say that they were less than pleased to see me come into the locker room more than 10 minutes late for the first day of practice is an understatement.  For what it’s worth, it did get me noticed.  Linda Lee’s little brother.  More importantly,  I gave the coaches a face of the one person they would ride and harass  for the rest of the season.

I survived that first day and at the end the week, the coaches called out my name and they threw me my new football jersey.  Christmas Green…with the number 80 blazoned in white on the front and in the back.   I was now officially a member of the 7th grade football team for the Oak Harbor Rockets. 

I was so proud.

I had not even put on a pair of shoulder pads and here I was strutting around in my football jersey.  We were told to wear the jersey to first day of school and I happily complied.  I remember walking through the doors that first day of school with my bright green jersey on.  I was way too cool and I remember walking about two foot off the ground.

I had no clue of what I was going to face in the coming days.

Considering the fact in 1973, I was a smidgen over 5 foot tall and weighed all of 65 lbs. I should have been keenly aware of what I was about to face.  We were lined up in the hall outside of the equipment room and waited for our turn to be called in to be fitted.  I was so excited.

Names were called and I waited patiently.  I was among the last 5 or 6 players that were called. When I was finally fitted with my equipment, I realized that something was different.  Before I ever stepped onto a field with football pads on, my fate had already been determined.  While the bigger kids and those who had families that had special ties to the school received newer equipment, I was given football pads Image result for old fashioned football helmetthat were straight out of the 1950’s.  My way too large helmet was commonly called a “monkey ear helmet” because of the protruding ear portion of the helmet. 

“That will work!!!” my coach declared, as he slapped the side of my monkey helmet.  The helmet spun so far that I was now looking out the earhole of the helmet.  But all my thoughts and concerns were about one day playing under the lights on a Friday night.  So I straightened out my helmet and made my way to the door of the locker room.  

I almost made it out when I was stopped because a father was in a heated argument with the coach about the inept, outdated and unsafe equipment his son had been issued.  A few minutes later that son would emerge with nice, appropriate equipment with a rounded safe helmet like the Varsity players wore.

I didn’t have a dad that did those kind of things.   I was completely and utterly alone and on my own.

Still I was proud.  I was starting my time playing football.  I wasn’t going to let inept, outdated and unsafe equipment get in my way.  I did learn quickly that running around with all these pads on was much different from what I was used to when the guys and I played backyard football in Blakely’s yard.  This was going to take some time to adjust.

For the most part, I survived the first few practices by being pretty lucky and besides the prodding from the coaches I stayed out of the line of fire.  Then the fateful event happened.  We had a football drill called “hamburger”which basically is a drill where two players lie on their back with their helmets touching.  On the coach’s whistle, both players get up and run back four yards in opposite directions, where one player takes a handoff from one coach and the other slaps the hands of a waiting coach.  At that point, they turn and run at each other. The  player with the ball tries to run through the tackler and the tackler tries to bring the ball carrier down.  After the tackle is made, each player moves to the back of the line as all players take part in this drill.

I took my spot in line and as I got closer to my turn to participate in the drill, I looked across to the other line to see who my competition was going to be.  I really wanted to make a good impression on the coaches and I wanted to make sure I was matched up with someone my size and if luck would have it, maybe even someone smaller than me.   So I watched to see who was going to line up against me.   I saw that it was someone who was bigger than me and I started to shuffle my way a spot further back in line where I would be matched with someone my size. 

I got to my preferred place in line when I heard the loudest whistle I think I have ever heard.  Then I hear my coach screaming out my name, “LEE… front and center!!!”  

I had been caught cutting the line… which was a big no-no.

He grabbed me by the facemask of my “monkey ear helmet” and proceeded to pull and drag me back and forth in front of my team.  All the while using me as an example as to what a player was not supposed to do at practice.

After the verbal tirade and personal humiliation, he finally drug me over to the spot where I would have to carry the ball.  He made me lie down at the spot and I hear him talking to other players but I cannot hear what he is saying.   I hear the whistle and I jump up to take the hand off from my coach.  Everything is good up to this point and I take the hand off and I turn to run the ball through the defensive player.   Here is when things start to go south, because it is then I see him.

Earl Kashmere… that’s right and he was a monster.   Earl Kashmere was Mr. Football of the Oak Harbor Junior High.   He was no less than a foot taller than me and he was about 100 lbs. heavier as well.   Earl was just staring at me, waiting for the kill and I thought just before he hit me that I saw a glimpse of a small smile come across his face. 

I had never been hit so hard in my entire life.  My body went completely numb and I saw stars, once again, through the earhole of my helmet.  I remember hitting the ground and as all the air rushed from my lungs so did any current desire to play football.  

I never told my family what happened. I am sure a law suit by today’s standard.  Coaches got away with that sort of thing back then.  I didn’t have anyone to tell and I surely did not have  helicopter parents that protected me.  I would have been just told that it would build my character.

Have you ever known those moments that changed your life?    Do you remember a specific time, a special event that was life changing for you?  I think it happens to all of us, I know it happened to me on that day.  I suddenly realized that I wasn’t good enough.  I didn’t quit.  I stuck it out for the season.  I wanted to play, but I just wasn’t good enough and so I finished the season and the dreams I had of Friday Night Lights faded off into the distance.

Profound moments of life are not all good moments. 

So my football career was short-lived and I never played football again for the Rocket’s.  

That was over 40 years ago.  I think I am finally recovered from the pain endured on the practice field that day. 

The game tonight is coming to close.  The Rocket’s once again are victorious.  The Friday Night Lights once again protected by the dedication, blood, sweat and tears of young men that are just trying to make their dreams come true.

I make my way out of the stadium. The lights still burning bright in the night.  My thoughts drawn to how I don’t feel part of it anymore and as I open the car door to get in and head home, I can’t stop thinking about that picture of me in that Christmas Green football jersey.

I smile, and I wonder whatever happened to Earl Kashmere.